The Musician’s Wife

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When we dream of that special someone it’s easy to be distracted by trivial things like physical appearances, hobbies, or skills, but there’s one thing I ask of God if I ever marry: send me a musician.

I guess I’m inclined to think this way. Practically everyone in my family plays some kind of instrument. I’ve listened to my dad lead choirs, play the piano and organ, and it is one of my favorite things to do when I get home is to sit and listen to the music that seems to come so naturally. Then there’s my brother, who plays everything that makes noise. Sometimes I found myself going, “Would you just put that thing down already and take a break?” but neither my dad nor my brother have ever stopped.

It’s because they love playing music. Sometimes it comes naturally, sometimes everyone around you has to hear the squeaks.

I want to play the piano, but I have no motivation for practice. I used to hear, “You have such delicate fingers; perfect for piano”. I respect those who are musicians in heart soul and mind. I want to carry the legacy of music to my children that was handed from my grandmother to my father, to my brother. I wish I could look inside the world of those who seem to get lost in the music.

It takes practice, hard work, energy, and passion to create music. If I can’t play the piano, I’ll settle with holding the hands that do…

Reflection on Blood Brothers Film

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Just finished watching a special showing of the new film, Blood Brothers, a documentary about a twenty-something who went searching in India only to find himself in an HIV orphanage, experiencing love, heartbreak, rejection, family, and responsibility. There are just so many things I need to say, so with an heavy heart I will be open because I know it’s so precious just being alive and being His child.

Suriiya. Here’s a little boy who followed Rocky Anna around and became a close part of his life. He became so sick the doctors said he would die. His skin started exploding, he couldn’t see, he was lifeless. Rocky Anna stayed with him in the hospital for four months. He wiped his blood filled spit, cleaned his sores and bandaged his eyes. He brushed his hair and helped him walk. When everyone else on the ward died, Suriiya improved despite the medical team saying he wouldn’t live.

Suriiya: “What is your name?” Rocky Anna asks to the camera. “Suriiya”. He says like any boy in the world who is missing his front teeth. Gosh, he’s so much like my Daniel. Yes, my Daniel. Is it possible to love and miss someone so much even though you only spent five days with them, and will probably never see them again? If it isn’t then I’m okay with being crazy, because I miss him so much. I went to the orphanage to love on kids, and he ended up loving on me. I think of him often and how easy it was for him to love me so quickly despite our different skin colors, age, background, and language. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember me, but I will remember him forever.

Secondly, I connected so much to Rocky’s dreams. Could he live in India permanently? That would mean making a commitment. Could he find someone who would love him and share the same passions for the children he had? Is it possible that someone would understand that need to take care of children above all else and want to achieve the same goals? Seeing despair made Rocky feel lonely- when you move, or even talk about moving, or doing something “big” people don’t get it. You feel so different, like you don’t belong in this world.

Yet: What God has called me to let no one take away from me. If I have to give up this American dream, the thought of getting married, living in a big house, I would. You never know how much these experiences change you until you meet that one special kid: your Daniel.

Finally, while I feel called, God has also given me a time of waiting, and it is so important. I am growing despite my dreams to teach, to love, to take care of when they are sick.

Kisses of Peace

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Last night I was starting to feel down again, so I got up to take a shower. I squeezed the soap bottle and two bubbles right after the other circled up to my nose and popped right on the tip. I was tickled- how simple little things Jesus uses to show that He cares. That’s why I know he is with four children in Colombia right now. Project Hope put out this message yesterday from CRAN in Bogota:

We received an email from CRAN Orphanage in Colombia today. It asked if we have been able to find a family for a group of 4 children yet. Their names are Natalia (age 11), Carlos (age 7), Brayan (age 6), and Sara (age 5). The orphanage worker said that they ask her EVERY DAY for a family. This breaks our hearts! And to make things even more sad, currently there is almost NO ONE that even knows they are available for adoption. Due to mistakes and paperwork issues, NO ONE is advocating for these precious children. They need a home, and maybe YOU know someone that God is already working on. 

We have met these kids and they are fantastic. They have heard about Jesus during our weeks running camp at CRAN, and they are open and waiting for a forever family that will show them God’s love. This is a chance to completely change the life of 4 children and give them the opportunity to have a meaningful and life-changing relationship with Jesus Christ. PLEASE pray for them, and tell others. God may want to use YOU to tell someone this story. Please pass along! You can visit our website at www.project-hope-ministries.org and contact us for more information.

Choosing to adopt four children from another country is a huge decision, but I pray that there is a couple who God has been nudging softly to give these children His love and home. Jesus sent me kisses through two simple soap bubbles, and I know He hears the prayers of these children as they ask for a family. 

I am Losing

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This past week seems like an eternity. I got to  school on Saturday night before the Monster Blizzard hit (which I’m thankful for) but other things I wasn’t so happy about. I spent 3.5 days in my room alone when the temperature outside dropped to -30. Campus was closed, no one was around, and I was sick. I laid in my bed aching and calling my mom to tell her about how I couldn’t breathe well, I was lonely, and how much I was really trying to be okay.

I spent a lot of time ranting on Facebook. Many people offered me advice about getting medical treatment but the thing is- I felt stuck. No one could come and help me until Tuesday (Day 2 of no classes) and that was only if they could get out of their driveway safely. I think a lot of people thought I was being stubborn by not taking their suggestions, but the issue I had was that I did not need an ambulance, just an doctor, and I did not feel comfortable asking someone I didn’t know for help. (Friends, I promise I was not being stubborn, I was being introverted).

Wednesday it was made official that I just have a sinus infection, which is good that I don’t have bronchitis like I had thought, but it seemed like all the symptoms I had didn’t matter, so I really am not that sick. The truth is that as hard as I try to be “okay” I have been miserable on and off all week, especially at night. Last night I could feel my entire body fighting as I laid in bed with my sinuses completely dried out by my medicine.

I don’t write this to complain, but to maybe explain myself. I joke that my body started falling apart at 17, but it is kind of true. Some may tell me I’m exaggerating, being whiny, etc. But I fear my body. Every year I seem to get worse- allergies, eczema, sinus infections. More than my physical body failing, I fear my spiritual life will fail. Unlike last year, I made no resolution to be in devotion with God. To make matters worse, God gave me 3 days of complete solitude and a reason to trust Him through my sickness and I was so caught up in my own world that I now regret that opportunity was wasted. I’m trying to start new, but it’s difficult when I am still sick, when  can’t sleep at night, and when I can’t concentrate. I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go.

Jesus Calling for January 9th says, “I am with you and for you”, while January 10th says, “Every time you affirm your trust in me you put a coin in my treasury. Thus you build up equity in preparation for days of trouble.’

I want to say thank-you to everyone who has been praying for me- there’s probably many other people you could have mentioned in your prayers but the fact that you mentioned my name means so much to me. I will be okay. 🙂

Just [one] kiss

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This morning I woke up to the song “Just a Kiss” by Lady Antebellum. I’ve heard it several times before but never actually listened to the words and put meaning to them. I am so floored at the power of the song.

Just a Kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch by the fire burning so bright

No, I don’t wanna mess this thing up

I don’t wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life

So baby I’m alright,

With just a kiss good-night

Growing up takes a long time, as does building a relationship. It doesn’t have to start at 17 or 21 or 35. It’s worth waiting for and worth savoring every moment.

Parenting… in Public

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I find it fascinating to listen to parent-child conversations when I’m out shopping. Most of the time I find myself laughing over the funny things kids say to their parents, but also the conversations adults feed to their children is intriguing. College (and Supernanny) taught me that every opportunity is a learning experience for the young child. A parent can either chose to see the trip to the store as a hassle or a valuable teaching moment. 

I was browsing the selves at the bookstore when I overheard a young girl shout, “Mom! I found two books I LOVE LOVE LOVE!” Her mother gently tried to quiet her as she walked back to the shelf yelling, “I just love ALL books!” 

We then went to the Goodwill store. I heard two boys getting excited over some toys and a mother getting annoyed. “You don’t need that ball! Freakin’ Christmas is coming! Put it back!” I headed for the checkout and waited several long minutes until my favorite angry cashier was ready. A girl behind me stood impatiently with her mother. “I know what that says” she said. “Thank you thank you thank you” she said as she read the bag. “We are in G…Goo…” “Goodwill” her mother says, “now stand back here with me. Would you like to buy this for your sister?” Distraction is a great weapon. The cashier looks at the child, “And how are you today sweetie?” (Yet  to me she scowled). “We’re almost ready to check out” she says to her mother as I say, “Merry Christmas and thank-you”. 

Now I’m not a parent, so I can’t say I understand at all how frustrating one or more children can be when they are in that parent’s constant care 24/7, but it does irk me to hear parents  speak harshly to their children. If we want our kids to grow up to be effective communicators, employees, and kindhearted citizens why wouldn’t we be the example? What good is it if we yell at our kids to stop yelling? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkvQBegzwsU

 

Anger

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Anger. I have so much anger and it won’t go away. Nothing I do seems to make the situation better so I end up crying myself to sleep at night. I hate feeling this way, like I’m the one in the wrong even though my anger is 100 % justified and reasonable. Why do people work hard to have other people just take advantage of them? Does my work mean nothing? I’m praying evil prayers and crying over how much I hate life. Then I ask for forgiveness just to take back those prayers, only to become angry again. Won’t you just give me my space? Can’t you just leave me alone? Anger. I’m praying for a miracle tonight, that things would get better and I will be happy again.