I am Losing

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This past week seems like an eternity. I got to  school on Saturday night before the Monster Blizzard hit (which I’m thankful for) but other things I wasn’t so happy about. I spent 3.5 days in my room alone when the temperature outside dropped to -30. Campus was closed, no one was around, and I was sick. I laid in my bed aching and calling my mom to tell her about how I couldn’t breathe well, I was lonely, and how much I was really trying to be okay.

I spent a lot of time ranting on Facebook. Many people offered me advice about getting medical treatment but the thing is- I felt stuck. No one could come and help me until Tuesday (Day 2 of no classes) and that was only if they could get out of their driveway safely. I think a lot of people thought I was being stubborn by not taking their suggestions, but the issue I had was that I did not need an ambulance, just an doctor, and I did not feel comfortable asking someone I didn’t know for help. (Friends, I promise I was not being stubborn, I was being introverted).

Wednesday it was made official that I just have a sinus infection, which is good that I don’t have bronchitis like I had thought, but it seemed like all the symptoms I had didn’t matter, so I really am not that sick. The truth is that as hard as I try to be “okay” I have been miserable on and off all week, especially at night. Last night I could feel my entire body fighting as I laid in bed with my sinuses completely dried out by my medicine.

I don’t write this to complain, but to maybe explain myself. I joke that my body started falling apart at 17, but it is kind of true. Some may tell me I’m exaggerating, being whiny, etc. But I fear my body. Every year I seem to get worse- allergies, eczema, sinus infections. More than my physical body failing, I fear my spiritual life will fail. Unlike last year, I made no resolution to be in devotion with God. To make matters worse, God gave me 3 days of complete solitude and a reason to trust Him through my sickness and I was so caught up in my own world that I now regret that opportunity was wasted. I’m trying to start new, but it’s difficult when I am still sick, when  can’t sleep at night, and when I can’t concentrate. I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go.

Jesus Calling for January 9th says, “I am with you and for you”, while January 10th says, “Every time you affirm your trust in me you put a coin in my treasury. Thus you build up equity in preparation for days of trouble.’

I want to say thank-you to everyone who has been praying for me- there’s probably many other people you could have mentioned in your prayers but the fact that you mentioned my name means so much to me. I will be okay. 🙂

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One thought on “I am Losing

    Dawn P. said:
    January 10, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Praying for you as always dear friend! We will always be a just a phone call away!!!!
    Love your Cafe family!
    {RC & Dawn Pickering}

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